


Batter Wars

by Ninjaterra



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Fluff, M/M, Plotless Fluff, basically just all fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-11
Updated: 2013-03-11
Packaged: 2017-12-04 22:51:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,342
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/715981
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ninjaterra/pseuds/Ninjaterra
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>John decides that he and Karkat need more "bonding time".</p>
<p>And, honestly, who doesn't love making cookies?</p>
<p>(Alternately titled: "In which two young friends of different species who may or may not be in love/pity each other enjoy a human pastime of baking chocolate chip cookies. During their baking, a food fight ensues, trashing them and the kitchen and causing the reader to squeal from cute overload.")</p>
            </blockquote>





	Batter Wars

“You can’t be serious,” Karkat Vantas deadpanned, staring blankly at a certain glasses-wearing human as he placed a large mixing bowl on the counter top. John paused momentarily in the act of searching for a measuring cup to shoot Karkat a goofy grin.

“Come on, Karkat! This’ll be a great bonding experience.” The blue-eyed boy giggled. Yes. Actually fucking giggled. “Besides,” John went on, ignoring the unamused looks the alien across from him was sending his way, “you’ve never made cookies before. How is that even possible?” Karkat glared half-heartedly as John turned his back to him to pull out a large bag of flour. 

“Whatever happened to your moronic hatred of all baked food items?” Karkat asked, shifting to rest his chin on the heel of his hand. John added a carton of eggs to the accumulating pile of baking supplies and ingredients before turning back to the room’s other occupant.

“I don’t hate sweets,” the human stated. “Unless it’s Betty Crocker. I shall always be in a constant battle with the batter witch!” John gave Karkat a look that screamed “duh!”, as if it was common knowledge that Betty Crocker was evil incarnate and should not be trusted under any circumstance. Karkat rolled his eyes.

“You really are an idiot,” he mumbled. John just grinned in response, reaching around the counter to pull Karkat out of his seat. The troll let out a loud squawk as he lost his balance and almost fell to the floor before John caught him, laughing.

“What the hell, Egbert?!” he exclaimed, face burning, half with anger and half embarrassment. John kept laughing until Karkat elbowed him sharply in the ribs, but a wide smile still didn’t leave his face. 

“Dude, you squeaked. That was totally adorable.” Karkat let out a growl-like sound in the back of his throat as he tried to squirm out of John’s grasp.

“Fuck you,” he hissed, shooting loathing looks at the human. John let out another short laugh before releasing the angry troll, who immediately moved a good seven feet away. John rolled his eyes at Karkat’s antics.

“Karkat, we can’t bake cookies from opposite sides of the room.”

“Like hell we can’t!” Karkat yelled, making no move to come closer. John snorted, but pushed a large bowl and the dry ingredients down to the troll’s end of the counter. Karkat snatched up the supplies while continuing to give John suspicious looks.

“Fine, then,” John responded. “You can mix the dry ingredients. Just measure them out and put them in the bowl.” The glasses-wearing teen slid the instruction sheet down toward Karkat as well, while he grabbed his own bowl and began cracking eggs into it. Karkat examined the sheet that was passed to him before deciding to measure out the sugar, grumbling to himself the whole way. John smiled to himself as he watched Karkat pout at a measuring cup, but he said nothing.

Soon, the pair had mixed both of their respective bowls, and John moved over to combine the ingredients together. Karkat was silent as John poured the contents of his bowl into the troll’s. Picking up the large wooden spoon he had been using, Karkat began to beat the mixture roughly, which only resulted in spraying flour all over his dark hair. John snorted.

“What are you doing?” he asked, flicking at one of Karkat’s powdery white locks. Karkat glared and slapped his hand away.

“Mixing these damn cookies. What does it look like?” John raised an eyebrow at him, the corner of his mouth twitching into a small smile.

“It looks like you’re murdering our poor, defenseless batter mixture,” he stated. Karkat huffed, shooting the boy a frustrated look.

“Well, why don’t you do it, then?” the troll seethed. John smiled, moving behind Karkat to grab the hand that was holding the spoon. Karkat jumped, turning his head to stare at the human. “What are you doing?” he exclaimed, but made no move to break away from John.

“Helping you, obviously,” John replied with a shrug. “Here. You have to mix it like this.” He moved Karkat’s hand under his own, stirring the bowl with much smoother motions than the troll had before. “See?” he pointed out with a smile. “Much better.” Karkat said nothing, though his face was slowly tinting a bright, candy-apple red.

The pair continued like this until the dough was thoroughly mixed and John was forced to move away to grab the bag of chocolate chips. Karkat let out a breath he didn’t realize he’d been holding. His heart was beating a mile a minute and his face now resembled a tomato more than his regular gray skin tone. He mentally cursed himself for getting so flustered. Physical contact was more normal for humans, right?

John returned with the bag of chocolate moments later and dumped the majority of the contents into the bowl. Karkat picked up the spoon again and began stirring in the chips while John went to grab a cookie sheet. The dough was successfully filled with chocolate chips when Karkat suddenly felt someone come up behind him. Before he could turn around, a hand swiped at the edge of the bowl and plopped a small blob of cookie dough onto the edge of his nose. 

“What the fuck?” Karkat blurted out, spinning around to meet John’s laughing face. The troll brushed the dough off of his nose with the palm of his hand, glaring daggers at the human. “John, what the hell was that for?” he seethed. John tried and failed to respond, clutching the countertop for support as he nearly doubled over from laughing so hard. Karkat let out another small growl before moving to wipe the dough on his hand onto the human’s cheek. John’s laughter died down quickly, eyebrows shooting up as he brought his own hand up to brush at the cookie batter on his face. Then, he turned his gaze back to Karkat, giving him a blank stare for a moment before break out into a wicked grin. 

“Oh, it’s on.” John grabbed the bowl filled with the cookie dough and reached in to get a small ball of the contents. Before Karkat could fully understand what the hell John was doing, he was met with a blob to the face.

“Shit!” he cursed, wiping at his eyes to get the batter off. John snorted in amusement, going to grab more of the dough from the bowl. Once he was able to see again, Karkat looked around him to see what he could use in return. All that was close by was the bag of flour.

Good enough.

The troll grabbed a fist full of the powdery white substance and flung it at John. The black haired teen cough as the flour rained down on his, covering him in a layer of white. His glasses were completely clouded over, though he didn’t bother to clean them off and just threw more dough at Karkat blindly. Before long, the pair had been reduced to complete and utter batter strife, throwing cookie dough as well as some other random cooking ingredients at one another. The kitchen was a total war zone, covered from floor to ceiling in their mess.

After some time, John finally flung his hands up in surrender. “Okay, okay. I give up,” he said with a chuckle, before wiping his glasses off on his equally messy shirt. “You win.” Karkat rolled his eyes, but was smiling, too, despite himself. He laughed softly as John shook his head like a dog, causing more flour to fly off of him in a large white cloud. When the troll’s eyes trailed over toward their large mixing bowl, his grin morphed into a small frown.

“So much for making cookies,” he said softly, picking up the bowl to show John that it was indeed empty. John just grinned, lifting a hand to lick off the remained dough from his fingers.

“Oh well,” he said with a shrug. “I always liked the batter better, anyway.”

**Author's Note:**

> First Homestuck fanfic, so I hope it was alright. I just really wanted to write fluffy shit, ok? Written for my friend (shipping-is-my-life on tumblr). Also thanks to my awesome friend/beta constancebonacieux.
> 
> Thanks for reading!


End file.
